Does My Father Even Love Me?
by Ice Panther of the Fifth Realm
Summary: Sesshoumaru mite mean the killing perfection but in his fathers eyes he's far from perfect, while his brother inuyasha is. song fic to simple plan perfect. my way of explaining the deep hatred Sess has for Inu. please review part 2 on the way.


Does my father even love me?  
  
Disclaimer: I do not Inuyasha or simple plan duh!  
  
An: k this is written when Sesshoumaru and Inuyasha were just children I'm making Sess 12 and Inu 2. So do the math and Sess is 10 years older than his brother is. I don't know how old they really are when compared but Yah this way it works for the fic. Also this is before their dad is dead.  
  
Even in a form that made him slightly resemble a human, Sesshoumaru's father was still one to be careful around. Height wise he is close to 9 feet and his shoulders are almost 3 feet wide. But not only was he built like a mountain, he is strong and in a sense beautiful.

Billowing white hair that goes past his waist frames a pale face with striking golden eyes and thin lips hiding glistening fangs. Inch long claws for fingernails along with a finely and deadly crafted sword on his side are weapons he is never seen without. His cloths alone tell you her is a rich and powerful man. Thought he's a full dog demon he has dog ears like that of a half breed, giving his appearance a softer look, one that fits his personality much better. But for a strong dog demon he is also a kind man. Treating demons and humans the same, with respect, earned him a tittle as much as his power has.  
  
And for such a kind man you'd never think his standards for his 12 year old, eldest son, would be set so high. But they are. Set almost as high as his own, sometimes his child, pure demon Sesshoumaru wonders if his father even loves him?  
  
And at this moment young Sesshoumaru is lying on his bed, hands behind his head and staring up at the canopy. Those very thoughts going through his mind.  
  
'He's my father but sometimes I wonder...does...does he even love me? Or am I just some child only here to be an heir? To claim all his power and respect after his death? He's never show me or mother any respect, even after her death, he still doesn't care.'  
  
Sesshoumaru rolls onto his side and stares out the window. The courtyard below the castle is basically empty of all life except for a few maids going out to get laundry or something from the garden.  
  
Hey dad look at me

Think back and talk to me

Did I grow up according to plan?  
  
'My father doesn't even look at me anymore. A few years ago he said I'm growing up just the way he wants me to. I didn't understand than, but I do now. For I've strayed off that course. Back than he would play with me, but when I started to change he stopped.'  
  
And do you think I'm wasting my time doing things I wanna do?  
  
But it hurts when you disapprove all along.  
  
'He says I'm wasting my time being a child, that I should grow up faster because he won't always be around. I tried my hardest to do exactly what he said, but in the end I fail. He completely disapproves of me, even tells people that Inuyasha is his only son.'  
  
And now I try hard to make it  
  
I just want to make you proud  
  
I'm never gonna be good enough for you  
  
I can't pretend that  
  
I'm alright  
  
And you can't change me  
  
'I tried again and again but still I never managed to make it right. Never managed to make him in the slightest proud. He says I'm never going to be good enough for him that I should give up. Unless I'm suddenly going to change, which I'm not. A few years ago I was the son he always wanted. At least that's what he always said, but that I wasn't. Somewhere down the line he decided there was something wrong with me! I don't know what I did wrong but father won't tell me. He says its too late my mind has been set, and now it can't be changed! What is wrong with my mind? I am quite smart for my age, I can fight like no other! What did I ever do wrong?'  
  
'Cuz we lost it all

Nothing lasts forever

I'm sorry

I can't be perfect

Now it's just too late and

We can't go back

I'm sorry

I can't be perfect  
  
'I guess its like they say nothing lasts forever, like his love for me, thought I wouldn't say less than 10 years is forever. I know I'm never going to be perfect, but he just can't except me for that. His new wife loves me, or says she does. Told me father is going through some tough times. That he'll get back to being a father soon. But I don't believe her! Nothing she says is true! He'll never go back, he can't. I'm...just not perfect.'  
  
Slowly Sesshoumaru climbs off his bed and onto his feet. Deciding to go for a walk on this calm day instead of staying in his room. Once he reaches the courtyard he strips of all the fancy yet heavy cloths his father demands he wears. Liking the pair of black pants and white shirt he always wears under his kimono and armor much better. He sets the cloths by the fountain so he knows where they are and starts to aimlessly walk around.  
  
I try not to think  
  
About the pain I feel inside  
  
Did you know you used to be my hero?  
  
All the days you spent with me  
  
Now seem so far away  
  
And it feels like you don't care anymore  
  
' I feel a lot of thing when I think of my father. Anger, fear, and hurt. Pain being the most. Pain from the times he punished me for not being perfect, for being my self. He was once my hero. Years ago it was my dream to be just like my father. I always did like he did, but now I see the kind of man he really is. He used to actually spend time with me, play and train me. But since Inuyasha was born he's all he cares about. I heard him talking with "mother" once. He was saying that Inuyasha would take up where I failed! But how could a HALF-BREED ever do what I could not! He's half human, half weakness, half-useless! It's the biggest insult of my life! Well I'll prove it to him when Inuyasha becomes older and stronger that I am the stronger one of us two! The more capable! And if I kill him in the mean time it was an "accident"!'  
  
And now I try hard to make it  
  
I just want to make you proud  
  
I'm never gonna be good enough for you  
  
I can't stand another fight  
  
And nothing's alright  
  
'I guess I should just give up. I'm never going to make him proud, never make him love me. Never make him remember he has two sons not just Inuyasha. I'll never be good enough for him, or a simple acknowledgement that I'm alive. Nothing...that's all I am to him! I'm nothing more than the pesky fly that won't seem to buzz off. Let me think, when does he actually realize I'm alive? The only time I can think of is when we're fighting. Never a physical fight, only verbal. As strong as I am I will never be strong enough to battle him.'  
  
'Cuz we lost it all  
  
Nothing lasts forever  
  
I'm sorry  
  
I can't be perfect  
  
Now it's just too late and  
  
We can't go back  
  
I'm sorry  
  
I can't be perfect  
  
'Nothing is going right! My life is a total mess! How am I suppose to live like this!? What more does he expect from me! How am I suppose to be the man he wants me to be if he doesn't tell me how to change! Something is wrong with me but I just can't find it!'  
  
Nothing's gonna change the things that you said  
  
Nothing's gonna make this right again  
  
Please don't turn your back  
  
I can't believe it's hard  
  
Just to talk to you  
  
But you don't understand  
  
Sesshoumaru looks silently at the lake he somehow found his self in front of. His mind still going a hundred miles an hour but not a single thing making any sense to him. Slowly Sesshoumaru walks over to the willow tree its branches lazily drooping into the water. Carefully picking his way up he soon finds the branch he was looking for. Beside this branch there is a hole a bit smaller than his self is. Remembering when he was younger and would come hide here to escape his father's anger he reaches in and cautiously pulls out a small picture frame. The painting inside the frame is very well done and very beautiful. Its shows a handsome man with white hair beside his wife. The two are holding a boy close to the age of 3. All three are smiling and look like the perfect family. Too bad they weren't. Sesshoumaru sadly looks at the picture wishing his life could go back to that, a time when his father loved him.  
  
'No matter what mother says you won't go back to the way you were. Won't take back any of the things you said. You turned you back on me gave up on raising me properly. I wish you hadn't. I wish I was able to talk to you, to make you understand that I want to be the perfect son... I want you to love me. I wish you could see that I'm breaking up inside but I guess that shall never happen!'  
  
A lone tear finds its way down the boy's check but he quickly wipes it away, his father taught him many things. The main one being that to cry is to show weakness and Sesshoumaru refuses to show any more weakness than he has to!  
  
'Cuz we lost it all  
  
Nothing lasts forever  
  
I'm sorry  
  
I can't be perfect  
  
Now it's just too late and  
  
We can't go back  
  
I'm sorry  
  
I can't be perfect.  
  
Staring into the glassy water and for a moment thinking about drowning his self but deciding better of it. Realizing he truly has lost every thing and that he is only an empty shell of who he once was.  
  
'I refuse to stay like this! Refuse to stay here! I'm not perfect so why should I try to be? I can't be changed so I'm going to stay my self!'  
  
'Cuz we lost it all  
  
Nothing lasts forever  
  
I'm sorry  
  
I can't be perfect  
  
Now it's just too late and  
  
We can't go back  
  
I'm sorry  
  
I can't be perfect  
  
Sesshoumaru jumps down from the tree white hair trailing behind him, and walks slowly down the trail leading away from the palace. The forest is dark and cold; smelling deeply of blood and death but the youth feels entirely at home having entered the forest a million times in the past.  
  
"I'm not perfect in my fathers eyes. But in others I will be! And Inuyasha beware for when I decide the time is right I WILL find you and kill you! Just to make your father suffer like he did to me!"  
  
And that's the end! Hope its good and that ya liked it! I mite make a sequel if I can think of a song....lightbulb I got it! Actually Tazi gave it to me! The sequel is to 'points of authority' by Linkin Park! LoL y no almost everyother song fic I've ever written was by Linkin Park!  
  
Ice Panther signin' out!


End file.
